Lindsey (imafanson) wrote,

Sorry Carly!

I was so going to post something this weekend too, but I just didn't have time. So I'm sorry you were miserably bored.

But I do have some fun crusie pictures up on my myspace if anyone wants to check zit ouat!

As for the cruise itself, it was kinda lame. I mean I had a great time. It was very relaxing and it was nice to spend some quality time with my sister, as we realized that for the most part, girls are retarded individuals who are up tight, and worthless. I won't go into detail about that, but let me just say, I'd much rather have gone on that cruise with a few of my guy friends, rather than my girlfriends I went with. (Don't get me wrong, they are lovely and sweet, but just too much bitchiness for my liking)

Nothing crazy happend. I didn't make out or hook up with ANYONE! I was suppose to have this hook-up thing with a guy I saw for a while in Orlando, but that didn't happen, and I was almost glad.

I think being back in Yulee has sucked my confidence from me. This is both good and bad. Bad because confidence is always attractive and something guys are looking for in a girl, but good because it's forcing me to see my options if I don't get my body into some kind of shape. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a woman with some curves, but you have to be healthy, and also, the truth is, guys care about what other people think of their girlfriends. I wish I could change that, but it's just the truth 90% of the time, and I'm tired of looking for that other 10%.

I also realize there are a small select group of super hot guys who like bigger girls. That use to excite me because from my experience, getting it on with a hot guy is SOOOOO much more fun than fooling around with an average looking guy. But I've realized these few guys mostly are just really really insecure and I think they just want to be with a bigger girl to make themselves feel better about how they look. Because all the want to do is do you at your house or his, and never take you outside of their walls, so that no one ever knows they're getting it on with a biggie! So I say FUCK THAT! With a capital FUCK!. Seriously, I am not some secret or a person who you should be ashamed to love. And because I know this, and I know I cannot change the way other people think, I'm just going to have to change myself. And I'll be happier too though. Right now I'm so self concious about my body. Not around my friends or in social settings, but in romantic, intimate settings, very self concious. The idea of some guy actually seeing my entire body naked, in the light of day is just like, the most horrifying thought. And when I do finally meet at guy who realizes what I'm truly worth, I want to be able to give him everything, and I dont' think I can do that if I'm embarrassed about my body.

I've known for a while it's all about a lifestyle change. But it's been hard actually commiting too it. But I did it for 3 months before I moved here, and I'm back on track today. This weekend I filled my house with only heathly, whole foods and today I went to the gym with Jackie and did about 45 min of strength training excercises. I felt so good once I got home! I ended up showering and going to work for about 5 hours, just full of enegry. I ate perfect portions today for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and once I got home, I wanted to do more, so I went back to the gym and did 30 min of cardio.

I know with me, I always have the moments of greatness where I get totally together, mentally, and all that, and I do great for a week and then get burned out because I tried to do too much too fast. So originally when I signed up for the gym, the personal trainer told me to do 5 days of cardio, and 3 days strength training, however, I think I"m just going to start out with 3 days of each. Because I know myself. I can do 3 days and not feel overwhelmed, but 5 might make me crazy all up front.

I applied for a job at this Graphics place last week. They are looking for an office assistand and its the perfect job for me. Exactly what I'm looking for. Very laid back, locally owned, and M-F 8:30-5:30. If I get it, I still want to work at Domino's on Monday and Wed nights to make extra spending cash, and I figure, me and Jackie can go work out together Tue, Thur and Friday night after work, so I can get my 3 days in. That way I have the weekends completely off do so whatever fun activities I want with no work, or working out to have to worry about, and then, give myself one day a week (pref Sat or Sun) to have a "cheat day" where I don't have to worry about portions or where I go to eat. I think that's a very realistic lifestyle and I should be able to get into for life. And if I can somehow manage to add two more cardio days in the mix along the way, all the better! I have to remind myself, that even if I just lose 1 pound a week, in a year I'll be down 50 pounds and that's AMAZING!

Because I really need to focus on myself, I've deleted all my online dating accounts. I'm tired of this BS, and honestly, it's unfair to put myself into a relationship with someone when I don't really like my body. I want to be 100% together when I start dating someone, so that's my goal. Thats my goal for this month, this year, and the rest of my life. I seriously don't think it's that hard, but of course, it is, because if it was easy, no one would be overweight.

Any prayers or good thoughts or vibes you want to send my way are muchly appreciated.

Right now, life is pretty great. I'm broke, and I hate my body, but if you cannot find joy in every day no matter how hard life gets, then whats the point in living? And for me, living is exactly what I plan on doing!
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